One Liners
Secrets are what we tell everybody else not
to tell anybody.

Have you ever noticed that from the air,
Yankee Stadium looks like a big bedpan?

I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have
a rear view mirror.

When you're trying something new, fewer
people who know about it, the better.

Multitasking: Screwing up several things at
once.

One thing has always troubled me: Where
did Noah put the termites?

A sinner can reform but stupid is forever.

In marriage a warm heart seldom
compensates for cold hands.

Late night TV is very educational. You
realize you should have gone to bed
earlier.

If some people said what they thought,
they'd be speechless.

Never mistake asthma for passion.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can
be recalled by their maker.

Usually people are as happy as they make
their minds up to be.

The world is composed of givers and takers.
The takers may eat better . . . but the givers
sleep better.

Chemical "inside" a fire hydrant . . . H2O
Chemical "outside" of a fire hydrant . . . K9P

There are two types of people in the workplace,
those who do the work and those who go to
meetings to talk about those doing the work.

Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor,
they go straight into management.

I like to go to concerts that are related, like
Talking Heads with Simple Minds. I also rent
videos together too. Last week I rented
"Bambi" and "The Deer Hunter."

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked
into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

I don't have a problem with San Francisco
parking. I drive a forklift.


In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equal.

Karma doesn't care who you are.

It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless.

The best way to get even is to forget

A political promise today means another tax
tomorrow.

Travelers can tell when it's vacation time. The
regular roads are closed and the detours are
open.

People say that hard work never killed anybody
but did you ever know anybody who rested to
death?

My parents made me what I am today. I'm
thinking of suing.

Matter is neither created nor destroyed, it
only gets more expensive.

You don't run into many religious
astrophysicists.

Philosophy is very meaningful until you
have to pay the rent.

Each day of our lives we make deposits in
the memory banks of our children.

Serious is the last thing you want your
relationship to become.

Dieting is a way of living a little longer
by starving yourself to death.

A hobby is hard work you wouldn't do for
a living.

Life is what happens when you're not watching
television.

Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.

Some guys don't grow up until they have a
heart attack.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk
drawer.

I have one of those real old American-built
cars. The kind that just PUNCHES through
accidents. 3/13/2006 01:02:00 PM