'Tickling the Bone'
Friday, November 26, 2004
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom,
" This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot. "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
Now all ears are listening to this conversation.
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her all night."
Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn off the intercom.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to run dear, 'He's gotta take a shit first."
11/26/2004 01:49:00 PM 0 comments
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom,
" This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot. "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
Now all ears are listening to this conversation.
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her all night."
Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn off the intercom.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to run dear, 'He's gotta take a shit first."
11/26/2004 01:49:00 PM 0 comments
Needing a Push
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."
11/26/2004 01:29:00 PM 0 comments
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."
11/26/2004 01:29:00 PM 0 comments
A blonde...
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That
was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
11/26/2004 01:19:00 PM 1 comments
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That
was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
11/26/2004 01:19:00 PM 1 comments
A few one liners
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16) My kid had sex with your honor student.
17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
36) CAT----- The Other White Meat
37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes
39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
41) Welcome To Shit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles
42) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.
43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an asshole.
44) I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better
11/26/2004 01:18:00 PM 0 comments
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16) My kid had sex with your honor student.
17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
36) CAT----- The Other White Meat
37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes
39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
41) Welcome To Shit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles
42) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.
43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an asshole.
44) I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better
11/26/2004 01:18:00 PM 0 comments
English Teacher
English Teacher: "Now I want everyone in the class to listen carefully.
today we are going to discuss words and their meanings. I will say a word
and I would like you to give me an example of how the word is used. the
first word is contagious". A little girl holds up her hand. "Miss, Miss I
know that one!" "Ok Rachael what is your example?" "My sister has chicken
pox and Mummy said I must keep away as it is contagious". "Excellent said
the teacher are their any others?"
"Please miss said another little girl. I heard my dad talking to my
big brother last night and he told him that if he was thinking of working in
a laboratory he should make sure that he wears all the correct equipment as
some of the experiments could be contagious." "That is another excellent
example said the teacher now how about a boy having a go this time? What
about you Seamus?" Seamus thought for a while then his face lit up. "Miss,
on Sunday my dad was talking to my uncle and he said his next door neighbour
was painting his house with a 2" brush and my uncle said "Bejasus, it'll
take the contagious!"
11/26/2004 08:20:00 AM 0 comments
English Teacher: "Now I want everyone in the class to listen carefully.
today we are going to discuss words and their meanings. I will say a word
and I would like you to give me an example of how the word is used. the
first word is contagious". A little girl holds up her hand. "Miss, Miss I
know that one!" "Ok Rachael what is your example?" "My sister has chicken
pox and Mummy said I must keep away as it is contagious". "Excellent said
the teacher are their any others?"
"Please miss said another little girl. I heard my dad talking to my
big brother last night and he told him that if he was thinking of working in
a laboratory he should make sure that he wears all the correct equipment as
some of the experiments could be contagious." "That is another excellent
example said the teacher now how about a boy having a go this time? What
about you Seamus?" Seamus thought for a while then his face lit up. "Miss,
on Sunday my dad was talking to my uncle and he said his next door neighbour
was painting his house with a 2" brush and my uncle said "Bejasus, it'll
take the contagious!"
11/26/2004 08:20:00 AM 0 comments
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Monday, November 22, 2004
Yasser Arafat has been replaced...
Yasser Arafat has been replaced by his brother Marrowfat.
He's a batchelor and has always played a key part in the peas process.
11/22/2004 05:37:00 PM 0 comments
Yasser Arafat has been replaced by his brother Marrowfat.
He's a batchelor and has always played a key part in the peas process.
11/22/2004 05:37:00 PM 0 comments
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Actual Sports Comments Made On The Air
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." (New Zealand rugby commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players to balance things up and give the team some brains and common sense."(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."(Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg Norman)
"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables)
"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)!
"Morcelli has four fastest 1,500 m times ever. And all those times over 1,500 m." (David Coleman)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."(Metro Radio)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer."(David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. ....... Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!"(US PGA Commentator)
11/21/2004 04:45:00 PM 0 comments
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." (New Zealand rugby commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players to balance things up and give the team some brains and common sense."(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."(Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg Norman)
"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables)
"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)!
"Morcelli has four fastest 1,500 m times ever. And all those times over 1,500 m." (David Coleman)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."(Metro Radio)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer."(David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. ....... Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!"(US PGA Commentator)
11/21/2004 04:45:00 PM 0 comments
Blonde Joke
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
11/21/2004 04:42:00 PM
0 comments
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
Two reporters
Two reporters, employed by competing newspapers, were arguing over which
paper was best. "Even our headlines are better!" declared one guy."The other
day after that breakout at the asylum, your paper ran a headline that said,
"INSANE MAN ATTACKS WOMAN AND THEN RUNS AWAY!"
"What's wrong with that?" asked his buddy.
"We covered the same story, and our headline was only four words," was the
reply: "NUT SCREWS AND BOLTS"!
11/21/2004 04:40:00 PM 0 comments
Two reporters, employed by competing newspapers, were arguing over which
paper was best. "Even our headlines are better!" declared one guy."The other
day after that breakout at the asylum, your paper ran a headline that said,
"INSANE MAN ATTACKS WOMAN AND THEN RUNS AWAY!"
"What's wrong with that?" asked his buddy.
"We covered the same story, and our headline was only four words," was the
reply: "NUT SCREWS AND BOLTS"!
11/21/2004 04:40:00 PM 0 comments
Friday, November 19, 2004
Rugby Traditions
Seeing how the All Blacks are motivated by performing "The Haka" before their world cup games, the other nations have been asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy? before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
The Ireland team will spilt into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponent's dressing room.
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now.
Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the Stewards.
Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called "Saving No8 Lyle".
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive on mopeds, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it, and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.
The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
11/19/2004 10:09:00 PM
0 comments
The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy? before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
The Ireland team will spilt into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponent's dressing room.
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now.
Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the Stewards.
Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called "Saving No8 Lyle".
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive on mopeds, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it, and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.
The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
2 nipple rings walk into a bar ...
2 nipple rings walk into a bar and ask for a beer
The barman says "I cant serve you"
The nipple rings say "Why not".
The barman says "Well look at ya, you're off your tits"
11/19/2004 10:06:00 PM 0 comments
2 nipple rings walk into a bar and ask for a beer
The barman says "I cant serve you"
The nipple rings say "Why not".
The barman says "Well look at ya, you're off your tits"
11/19/2004 10:06:00 PM 0 comments
A wealthy matron owned two...
A wealthy matron owned two beautiful pet rabbits which she was quite fond of.
The rabbits both took ill and died, and she couldn't bear the idea of burying
them, so she put them gently in a cardboard box, and took them to a
taxidermist.
She removed the dead bunnies from the box, laid them on his counter and
said., "I'd like for you to stuff these two rabbits, but I can't decide how to display
them" The taxidermist thought a moment, and said "Would you like to have them mounted?'
"Heavens NO" she cried," just holding hands would be sufficient!"
11/19/2004 10:04:00 PM
0 comments
The rabbits both took ill and died, and she couldn't bear the idea of burying
them, so she put them gently in a cardboard box, and took them to a
taxidermist.
She removed the dead bunnies from the box, laid them on his counter and
said., "I'd like for you to stuff these two rabbits, but I can't decide how to display
them" The taxidermist thought a moment, and said "Would you like to have them mounted?'
"Heavens NO" she cried," just holding hands would be sufficient!"
A man was traveling by train
A man was traveling by train back in the days of the "Old West", accompanied
by his married daughter. Suddenly the train came to a grinding halt, and
gunshots rang out. The doors at the end of their coach flew open, and a gang
of train robbers came through the car and relieved the passengers of their
money, wallets, purses, and baggage. When the thieves were gone, the man
noticed his daughter putting her
wedding ring set back on her finger.
"How did you manage to hold onto your jewelry, " he asked?
"I just put the rings in my mouth" she said. "The robbers never suspected a
thing!"
"Too bad your mother isn't with us, " her father said...."We could have saved
the luggage!"
11/19/2004 09:59:00 PM 0 comments
A man was traveling by train back in the days of the "Old West", accompanied
by his married daughter. Suddenly the train came to a grinding halt, and
gunshots rang out. The doors at the end of their coach flew open, and a gang
of train robbers came through the car and relieved the passengers of their
money, wallets, purses, and baggage. When the thieves were gone, the man
noticed his daughter putting her
wedding ring set back on her finger.
"How did you manage to hold onto your jewelry, " he asked?
"I just put the rings in my mouth" she said. "The robbers never suspected a
thing!"
"Too bad your mother isn't with us, " her father said...."We could have saved
the luggage!"
11/19/2004 09:59:00 PM 0 comments
Breasts are too small...
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
11/19/2004 01:59:00 AM 0 comments
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
11/19/2004 01:59:00 AM 0 comments
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his
church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer
that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed,
they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then
dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the
deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather....and unto the
Soonnn....and into the hole he gooooes."
11/19/2004 01:56:00 AM 0 comments
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his
church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer
that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed,
they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then
dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the
deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather....and unto the
Soonnn....and into the hole he gooooes."
11/19/2004 01:56:00 AM 0 comments
25 rules guys wished women knew
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really!
8. Women wearing wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.Not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
11/19/2004 01:08:00 AM 0 comments
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really!
8. Women wearing wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.Not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
11/19/2004 01:08:00 AM 0 comments
True story....
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?"
11/19/2004 01:04:00 AM 0 comments
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?"
11/19/2004 01:04:00 AM 0 comments
Gorilla
A geezer wakes up one morn to find a big ass gorilla on his roof. He looks in the Yellow Pages and sureenough, there is an ad, Gorilla Removers.
When the gorilla remover arrives,he gets out of his van with a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and the meanest Pit Bull you've ever seen.
The gorilla remover informs the geezer that he is going to go up on the roof and whack the gorilla with the baseball bat and when he lands on the ground the Pit Bull will grab him by the testicles with a death grip. The gorilla will then be subdued and placed in a cage.
The geezer asks, "But what is the shotgun for"?
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
11/19/2004 01:02:00 AM 0 comments
A geezer wakes up one morn to find a big ass gorilla on his roof. He looks in the Yellow Pages and sureenough, there is an ad, Gorilla Removers.
When the gorilla remover arrives,he gets out of his van with a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and the meanest Pit Bull you've ever seen.
The gorilla remover informs the geezer that he is going to go up on the roof and whack the gorilla with the baseball bat and when he lands on the ground the Pit Bull will grab him by the testicles with a death grip. The gorilla will then be subdued and placed in a cage.
The geezer asks, "But what is the shotgun for"?
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
11/19/2004 01:02:00 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
One day a 12 year old boy was...
One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up
beside him and wound down its window.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" said the driver.
"No way!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and 10 bucks" the driver asked.
"I said no way" replied the boy.
"What about a bag of lollies and 50 bucks?" asked the driver.
No, I'm not getting in the car." answered the boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a bag of lollies and $100" the driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the Volvo, you live with it!"
11/17/2004 05:58:00 PM 0 comments
One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up
beside him and wound down its window.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" said the driver.
"No way!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and 10 bucks" the driver asked.
"I said no way" replied the boy.
"What about a bag of lollies and 50 bucks?" asked the driver.
No, I'm not getting in the car." answered the boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a bag of lollies and $100" the driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the Volvo, you live with it!"
11/17/2004 05:58:00 PM 0 comments
Thinking on your feet...
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and
asked to buy "half" a head of lettuce. The boy working in that
department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some
arsehole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later
the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way
you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who
think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Queensland, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Queensland," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby league players up
there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Queensland!"
The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?
11/17/2004 05:54:00 PM 0 comments
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and
asked to buy "half" a head of lettuce. The boy working in that
department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some
arsehole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later
the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way
you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who
think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Queensland, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Queensland," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby league players up
there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Queensland!"
The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?
11/17/2004 05:54:00 PM 0 comments
A language instructor was explaining to her class...
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French,
nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine -- "la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine -- "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary . So
for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender,
and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or
feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine
order ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The Women won.
11/17/2004 05:54:00 PM 0 comments
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French,
nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine -- "la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine -- "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary . So
for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender,
and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or
feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine
order ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The Women won.
11/17/2004 05:54:00 PM 0 comments
Sunburn
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical
weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and
after a whole day his legs became sunburnt beyond belief. He could
hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment.
The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. "You
must realize that this is only a small village surgery," he explained.
"I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this
just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.
Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra
tablet going to do?"
"Nothing at all for the sunburn,the doctor replied, "but it will keep
the sheets off your legs"
11/17/2004 05:50:00 PM 0 comments
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical
weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and
after a whole day his legs became sunburnt beyond belief. He could
hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment.
The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. "You
must realize that this is only a small village surgery," he explained.
"I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this
just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.
Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra
tablet going to do?"
"Nothing at all for the sunburn,the doctor replied, "but it will keep
the sheets off your legs"
11/17/2004 05:50:00 PM 0 comments
A young couple, just married...
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding
night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed
his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear
your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man
who wears the pants in this family."
With that, she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on." He tried
them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your
attitude changes!"
11/17/2004 05:38:00 PM 0 comments
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding
night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed
his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear
your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man
who wears the pants in this family."
With that, she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on." He tried
them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your
attitude changes!"
11/17/2004 05:38:00 PM 0 comments
IT'S ALL IN THE NAME
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on
her own.
After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make small
talk. She accepted.
"What's your name?" he asked her.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"
"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asked.
"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my
name. What's your name?"
"Beerpussy," the man replied.
11/17/2004 05:15:00 PM 0 comments
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on
her own.
After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make small
talk. She accepted.
"What's your name?" he asked her.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"
"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asked.
"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my
name. What's your name?"
"Beerpussy," the man replied.
11/17/2004 05:15:00 PM 0 comments
Saturday, November 13, 2004
A guy walks into a bar in Alabama...
A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. "You're not from
around here, are you, bud?" says the bartender. "No," replies the guy. "I'm
actually from Boston." "Whatcha do up in that fancy Boston?" asks the
bartender. "I'm a taxidermist." "What the heck's a taxidermist?" "I mount
dead animals." "It's OK, boys," announces the bartender. "He's one of us!"
11/13/2004 06:22:00 AM 0 comments
A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. "You're not from
around here, are you, bud?" says the bartender. "No," replies the guy. "I'm
actually from Boston." "Whatcha do up in that fancy Boston?" asks the
bartender. "I'm a taxidermist." "What the heck's a taxidermist?" "I mount
dead animals." "It's OK, boys," announces the bartender. "He's one of us!"
11/13/2004 06:22:00 AM 0 comments
Lost Swiss
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two
Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he
asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous
Français?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No
response. "Hablan ustedes Español?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off,
extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'
know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other.
"That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
11/13/2004 06:22:00 AM 0 comments
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two
Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he
asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous
Français?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No
response. "Hablan ustedes Español?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off,
extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'
know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other.
"That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
11/13/2004 06:22:00 AM 0 comments
Deaf Mafia Bookkeeper
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten
million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational
benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed
that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to
testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper
about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows
sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million
bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the
bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs
back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the
Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when
the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple,
cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling:
"He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back:
"OK! You win! "The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in
my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney:
"Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies:" He says you don't have the
balls to pull the trigger"
11/13/2004 06:12:00 AM 0 comments
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten
million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational
benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed
that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to
testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper
about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows
sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million
bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the
bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs
back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the
Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when
the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple,
cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling:
"He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back:
"OK! You win! "The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in
my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney:
"Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies:" He says you don't have the
balls to pull the trigger"
11/13/2004 06:12:00 AM 0 comments
Live Breaking News (Video)
A live news video that went slightly wrong !!
OIA ;)
11/13/2004 06:10:00 AM 0 comments
A live news video that went slightly wrong !!
OIA ;)
11/13/2004 06:10:00 AM 0 comments
3 types of Bra
A man walks into a lingerie store to buy a bra for his wife. There are three
main types, explains the saleswoman, the Catholic, the Salvation Army, and
the Baptist. Whats the difference?? asks the man. Well, the Catholic
supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts the fallen, and the Baptist
makes mountains out of molehills.
11/13/2004 06:06:00 AM 0 comments
A man walks into a lingerie store to buy a bra for his wife. There are three
main types, explains the saleswoman, the Catholic, the Salvation Army, and
the Baptist. Whats the difference?? asks the man. Well, the Catholic
supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts the fallen, and the Baptist
makes mountains out of molehills.
11/13/2004 06:06:00 AM 0 comments
Ugly Faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith
stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher
said, "When
I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like
that."
The student looked up at her and surveyed her face and replied,
"Well you can't say you weren't warned."
11/13/2004 04:06:00 AM 0 comments
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith
stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher
said, "When
I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like
that."
The student looked up at her and surveyed her face and replied,
"Well you can't say you weren't warned."
11/13/2004 04:06:00 AM 0 comments
A woman about to give birth
A woman was in the hospital about to give birth. As she was being wheeled
toward the delivery room, she asked the nurse "Is it O.K. if my husband is in
the delivery room when the baby is born?" "Of course" said the nurse, "We
always encourage the baby's father to be present in the delivery room".
"Thats not such a good idea" replied the expectant Mom, "They don't get along
so well".
Great Actor !!
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember
his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are
prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has
only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a
rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb,
sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of
my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing
his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went
up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the
line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter but
the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
Two Irishmen and a pig
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how
are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten
we can tell them apart."
"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the
house.
"Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig.
Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who
owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig.
Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again
stormed into the house.
"Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin
pig!!!."
"Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll
cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy
stormed into the house once more.
"PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"
11/13/2004 03:15:00 AM 0 comments
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how
are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten
we can tell them apart."
"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the
house.
"Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig.
Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who
owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig.
Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again
stormed into the house.
"Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin
pig!!!."
"Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll
cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy
stormed into the house once more.
"PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"
11/13/2004 03:15:00 AM 0 comments
Telephone Conversation
On the radio the other day, there was one of the all-time best comeback
lines ever. Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio
(NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald
who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military
installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach
these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and
shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why. They'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching the proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not
one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Go Army!
11/13/2004 03:08:00 AM 0 comments
On the radio the other day, there was one of the all-time best comeback
lines ever. Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio
(NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald
who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military
installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach
these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and
shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why. They'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching the proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not
one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Go Army!
11/13/2004 03:08:00 AM 0 comments
