All the organs of the body were having a meeting
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.""I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away.""I should be in charge," said the stomach, "becauseI process food and give all of you energy.""I should be in charge" said the legs, "because carrythe body wherever it needs to go.""I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because Iallow the body to see where it goes.""I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the side of the parking lot is astone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door isanswered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"...He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."..... "Very well my son. Please follow me."He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door"............. He does as he is told and another nun in a longhabit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway"....... He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup..... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........As the door locks behind him, he finds himself backin the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWEDBY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.SERVES YOU RIGHT,YOU SINNER
Real Court Quotes
1. "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
Q: "How many were boys?"
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and he had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All of my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a bowl."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
22. From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
23. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
24. Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
25. Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
26. Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not
a damn thing.
27. Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to
say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
28. Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
29. Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.