'Tickling the Bone'
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Cindy Crawford, Elle McPherson and Naomi Campbell
Cindy Crawford, Elle McPherson and Naomi Campbell are flying across the
states when they are informed by the pilot that he is losing power and
expects the plane to crash land in the next 5 minutes. straight away Cindy
Crawford takes out her vanity case and begins to apply make up. "If I make
myself stunning" she says "people will be sure to look for me first" Not to
be outdone Elle McPherson festoons her self in expensive jewellery. "If
people see how rich and famous I am sure they will be bound to rescue me
first" she cries.
Naomi Campbell strips off completely and places her butt against the
window. "What are you doing?" the other two asked. "well" she replied, "the
first thing they look for in any plane crash is the black box!"
US Oil Shortage
A lot of Americans can't comprehend how there is an oil shortage in their
country. The simple reason is no one bothered to check the oil so no one
knew the oil was getting low. The reason is mainly geographical. All the oil
reserves are in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas! the dipsticks are in
Washington DC
Monday, March 21, 2005
The Blind Turkey Farmer
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3/21/2005 11:11:00 PM 0 comments
Click on the image for a full size version...
3/21/2005 11:11:00 PM 0 comments
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Michael Jackson: Moonwalk
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3/19/2005 06:05:00 AM 0 comments
Click on the image for a full size version...
3/19/2005 06:05:00 AM 0 comments
Snow White, Tomb Thumb and Quasimodo
Snow White, Tomb Thumb and Quasimodo had met up in a coffee shop and during
their conversation Snow white said "I must be the most beautiful girl in the
world" Tomb Thumb not to be outdone said "well I must surely be the
smallest!" leaving poor old Quasimodo to say "I have got to be the ugliest
ba----d ever"
"Lets all go to the Guinness Book of records office to have it
verified" said little Tom and off the went. Snow White went in first and
came out with a beaming smile. "Its official, I am the most beautiful woman
in the world" In went Tom Thumb and 10 minutes later he returned and shouted
with glee " Its official, I am the worlds smallest man" In Goes Quasimodo
and 30 minutes came out looking puzzled. "What's the matter?" the other two
asked. "Its not me!" he replied "but just for the record,who is Camilla
Parker Bowles?"
Monday, March 14, 2005
Bad Taste Joke(s) Michael Jackson
What's the difference between Arthur Scargill and Michael Jackson.
Arthur Scargill hasn't seen a minors helmet in 15 years...
David and Victoria Beckham have issued a joint statement saying that Michael
Jackson is innocent and they have invited him on their boat around the med.
Jackson is said to have thanked the couple for their support and has said he
can't wait to come on their little cruise.
Monday, March 07, 2005
The Cure
A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?" 3/07/2005 06:03:00 AM 0 comments
A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?" 3/07/2005 06:03:00 AM 0 comments
Sunday, March 06, 2005
What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
Line dancing at the nursing home. 3/06/2005 05:30:00 AM 1 comments
What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
Line dancing at the nursing home. 3/06/2005 05:30:00 AM 1 comments
Guitarist finishes gig...
Guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd like a scotch before he goes home. The player says 'sure' and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says 'great gig man, you're one hot picker'.
The player looks at the barman and says 'thanks' and the barman says 'what for' and the player says 'for sayin' nice things about my work'. the barman says ' I didn't say nothing'.
The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says 'yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there'. The guitar player turns around and says 'thanks' but there's nobody there. The feller at the bar says 'are you ok?' cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says 'yeah, I think so'.
Then, as he empties his glass another voice says 'hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you' and the bloke says 'OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?'
The barman runs down and says 'what's your problem dude?' to which the guitarist says 'WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?'
'What voices? What are they saying?' when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says 'oh that'll be the peanuts man, they're complementary!' 3/06/2005 05:27:00 AM 0 comments
Guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd like a scotch before he goes home. The player says 'sure' and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says 'great gig man, you're one hot picker'.
The player looks at the barman and says 'thanks' and the barman says 'what for' and the player says 'for sayin' nice things about my work'. the barman says ' I didn't say nothing'.
The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says 'yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there'. The guitar player turns around and says 'thanks' but there's nobody there. The feller at the bar says 'are you ok?' cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says 'yeah, I think so'.
Then, as he empties his glass another voice says 'hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you' and the bloke says 'OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?'
The barman runs down and says 'what's your problem dude?' to which the guitarist says 'WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?'
'What voices? What are they saying?' when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says 'oh that'll be the peanuts man, they're complementary!' 3/06/2005 05:27:00 AM 0 comments
God Created Eve First
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3/06/2005 05:19:00 AM
0 comments
Click on the image for a full size version...
3/06/2005 05:19:00 AM
0 comments
Friday, March 04, 2005
WIshing you could take back what you said...
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out the door and never went back.
My husband didn’t say a word. He knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men’s balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did
HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too! 3/04/2005 12:41:00 AM 0 comments
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out the door and never went back.
My husband didn’t say a word. He knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men’s balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did
HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too! 3/04/2005 12:41:00 AM 0 comments
Love Dress
A WOMAN STOPPED BY AT HER RECENTLY MARRIED SONS HOUSE.
SHE RANG THE DOOR BELL AND WALKED IN.
SHE WAS SHOCKED TO SEE HER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW LYING ON THE
COUCH, TOTALLY NAKED. SOFT MUSIC WAS PLAYING, AND THE
AROMA OF PERFUME FILLED THE ROOM.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" SHE ASKED
"I'M WAITING FOR MY HUSBAND TO COME HOME FROM WORK," THE
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW ANSWERED.
"BUT YOUR NAKED!" THE MOTHER-IN-LAW EXCLAIMED.
"THIS IS MY LOVE DRESS," THE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW EXPLAINED.
"LOVE DRESS? BUT YOUR NAKED!"
"MY HUSBAND LOVES ME TO WEAR THIS DRESS," SHE EXPLAINED.
"IT EXCITES HIM TO NO END. EVERY TIME HE SEES ME IN THIS
DRESS, HE INSTANTLY BECOMES ROMANTIC AND RAVAGES ME FOR
HOURS ON END. HE CANT GET ENOUGH OF ME."
THE MOTHER-IN-LAW LEFT. WHEN SHE GOT HOME, SHE UNDRESSED,
SHOWERED, PUT ON HER BEST PERFUME, DIMMED THE LIGHTS, PUT
ON A ROMANTIC CD, AND LAID ON THE COUCH WAITING FOR HER
HUSBAND TO ARRIVE.
FINALLY HER HUSBAND CAME HOME. HE WALKED IN AND SAW HER
LAYING THERE SO PROVOCATIVELY.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" HE ASKED.
"THIS IS MY LOVE DRESS SHE WHISPERED SENSUALLY.
"NEEDS IRONING," HE SAID, "WHAT'S FOR DINNER?" 3/04/2005 12:39:00 AM 0 comments
A WOMAN STOPPED BY AT HER RECENTLY MARRIED SONS HOUSE.
SHE RANG THE DOOR BELL AND WALKED IN.
SHE WAS SHOCKED TO SEE HER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW LYING ON THE
COUCH, TOTALLY NAKED. SOFT MUSIC WAS PLAYING, AND THE
AROMA OF PERFUME FILLED THE ROOM.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" SHE ASKED
"I'M WAITING FOR MY HUSBAND TO COME HOME FROM WORK," THE
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW ANSWERED.
"BUT YOUR NAKED!" THE MOTHER-IN-LAW EXCLAIMED.
"THIS IS MY LOVE DRESS," THE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW EXPLAINED.
"LOVE DRESS? BUT YOUR NAKED!"
"MY HUSBAND LOVES ME TO WEAR THIS DRESS," SHE EXPLAINED.
"IT EXCITES HIM TO NO END. EVERY TIME HE SEES ME IN THIS
DRESS, HE INSTANTLY BECOMES ROMANTIC AND RAVAGES ME FOR
HOURS ON END. HE CANT GET ENOUGH OF ME."
THE MOTHER-IN-LAW LEFT. WHEN SHE GOT HOME, SHE UNDRESSED,
SHOWERED, PUT ON HER BEST PERFUME, DIMMED THE LIGHTS, PUT
ON A ROMANTIC CD, AND LAID ON THE COUCH WAITING FOR HER
HUSBAND TO ARRIVE.
FINALLY HER HUSBAND CAME HOME. HE WALKED IN AND SAW HER
LAYING THERE SO PROVOCATIVELY.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" HE ASKED.
"THIS IS MY LOVE DRESS SHE WHISPERED SENSUALLY.
"NEEDS IRONING," HE SAID, "WHAT'S FOR DINNER?" 3/04/2005 12:39:00 AM 0 comments
My Dearest Redneck Son
My Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this real slow, because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we
moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they
wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and
pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days, and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; -- your Uncle Billy-Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the big buttons on, so we
had to cut them off. You can find them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your Pa out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. It's the dangdest
thing, but the baby looks just like your oldest brother.
Uncle Bobby-Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated;
-- he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Bubba was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends, Cletus and Buford, were in the back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom 3/04/2005 12:36:00 AM 0 comments
My Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this real slow, because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we
moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they
wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and
pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days, and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; -- your Uncle Billy-Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the big buttons on, so we
had to cut them off. You can find them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your Pa out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. It's the dangdest
thing, but the baby looks just like your oldest brother.
Uncle Bobby-Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated;
-- he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Bubba was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends, Cletus and Buford, were in the back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom 3/04/2005 12:36:00 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Anorak: Monkey Business - Tabloid, Broadsheet, Showbiz and Sports Reviews.
This makes for a very amusing read... 3/01/2005 02:54:00 PM 0 comments
This makes for a very amusing read... 3/01/2005 02:54:00 PM 0 comments
