'Tickling the Bone'
Friday, May 27, 2005
There was a man very down...
There was a man very down on his luck eating the grass of a front lawn in a well-to-do street. A lawyer in a Jaguar sped past and was intrigued by what the man was doing,
so he went around the block a couple of times and eventually pulled up beside the man and asked him why he was eating the grass.
The man stood up and said "I'm a failed stockbroker who lost all my money on the market and can't afford to buy food so I have to eat grass to stay alive"
The lawyer told the man "Jump into my car and I'll look after you"
So the stockbroker got into the car with lawyer and began to thank him in advance for what he thought was going to be a very fine meal.
But the lawyer said "Oh we aren't going out for a meal, we're going to my house, the grass is 2 feet high there!" 5/27/2005 09:28:00 AM 0 comments
There was a man very down on his luck eating the grass of a front lawn in a well-to-do street. A lawyer in a Jaguar sped past and was intrigued by what the man was doing,
so he went around the block a couple of times and eventually pulled up beside the man and asked him why he was eating the grass.
The man stood up and said "I'm a failed stockbroker who lost all my money on the market and can't afford to buy food so I have to eat grass to stay alive"
The lawyer told the man "Jump into my car and I'll look after you"
So the stockbroker got into the car with lawyer and began to thank him in advance for what he thought was going to be a very fine meal.
But the lawyer said "Oh we aren't going out for a meal, we're going to my house, the grass is 2 feet high there!" 5/27/2005 09:28:00 AM 0 comments
Sex is a mitzvah!!
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religiouswedding meet with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asksif they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men todance with men, and women to dance with women at thereception. We'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my ownwife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden.
"Well, okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah [goodthing) within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?""Sure!" says the rabbi. "Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?""Yes, yes!" says the rabbi. "A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, acouple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing.".... 5/27/2005 09:23:00 AM 0 comments
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religiouswedding meet with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asksif they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men todance with men, and women to dance with women at thereception. We'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my ownwife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden.
"Well, okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah [goodthing) within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?""Sure!" says the rabbi. "Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?""Yes, yes!" says the rabbi. "A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, acouple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing.".... 5/27/2005 09:23:00 AM 0 comments
Monday, May 23, 2005
A woman was having a daytime affair...
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and dreary day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets, "It's raining out there!"'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems".So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he begins running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovers he has run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he starts running along beside the others, about 300 of them.Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to "blend in"as best he can. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked."Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?""Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?""Only if it's raining." 5/23/2005 09:02:00 PM 0 comments
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and dreary day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets, "It's raining out there!"'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems".So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he begins running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovers he has run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he starts running along beside the others, about 300 of them.Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to "blend in"as best he can. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked."Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?""Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?""Only if it's raining." 5/23/2005 09:02:00 PM 0 comments
Little Johnny
The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"And Little Johnny replied, "homework and tests!" 5/23/2005 09:01:00 PM 0 comments
The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"And Little Johnny replied, "homework and tests!" 5/23/2005 09:01:00 PM 0 comments
LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS
- Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
- Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
- Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
- Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
- Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end
Cigar
A man returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.
"All right," Lizard Pecker shouted, "I demand to know where this cigar came from!"A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana." 5/23/2005 08:59:00 PM 0 comments
A man returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.
"All right," Lizard Pecker shouted, "I demand to know where this cigar came from!"A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana." 5/23/2005 08:59:00 PM 0 comments
How to get a broken telephone fixed...
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour! 5/23/2005 08:58:00 PM 0 comments
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour! 5/23/2005 08:58:00 PM 0 comments
Friday, May 13, 2005
Newlywed Couple
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long. She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat.", she replies 5/13/2005 09:47:00 PM 2 comments
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long. She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat.", she replies 5/13/2005 09:47:00 PM 2 comments
Wittle Wabbits
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck" 5/13/2005 09:45:00 PM 0 comments
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck" 5/13/2005 09:45:00 PM 0 comments
A very shy guy...
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?" 5/13/2005 09:43:00 PM 0 comments
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?" 5/13/2005 09:43:00 PM 0 comments
Monkeys & Organization
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,... all on different
limbs,... at different levels,... some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. 5/13/2005 09:42:00 PM 0 comments
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,... all on different
limbs,... at different levels,... some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. 5/13/2005 09:42:00 PM 0 comments
God's Gifts
God's Gifts
God was just about done creating the universe but she had two extra
items left over in her bag so she decided to split them between Adam and
Eve.
She told them that one of the things she had left was something that
would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It is a rather handy
thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you felt
you could use such a gift."
Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh yes, please give that to me!
I'd love to be able to do that." On and on he went like an excited
little boy.
Eve smiled and lovingly told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly,
he should have it.
So God gave it to Adam.
Adam was so excited he went off to write his name in the sand, laughing
with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well,
you may have the other thing as we can both see Adam will never have any
use for it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Brains," God said. 5/13/2005 09:39:00 PM 0 comments
God's Gifts
God was just about done creating the universe but she had two extra
items left over in her bag so she decided to split them between Adam and
Eve.
She told them that one of the things she had left was something that
would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It is a rather handy
thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you felt
you could use such a gift."
Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh yes, please give that to me!
I'd love to be able to do that." On and on he went like an excited
little boy.
Eve smiled and lovingly told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly,
he should have it.
So God gave it to Adam.
Adam was so excited he went off to write his name in the sand, laughing
with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well,
you may have the other thing as we can both see Adam will never have any
use for it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Brains," God said. 5/13/2005 09:39:00 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Fish and Chips
One day while driving in a thunderstorm, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted.
That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."
5/10/2005 12:28:00 PM 3 comments Monday, May 09, 2005
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piana player and says "Do you know your
monkey pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it." 5/09/2005 02:33:00 AM 1 comments
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piana player and says "Do you know your
monkey pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it." 5/09/2005 02:33:00 AM 1 comments
My dog ...
Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin' about them.
First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker."
The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine.
Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker"
The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges.
Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door." 5/09/2005 02:33:00 AM 1 comments
Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin' about them.
First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker."
The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine.
Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker"
The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges.
Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door." 5/09/2005 02:33:00 AM 1 comments
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
String...
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without
water.
His horse has already died of thirst, so, he's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object
sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF*** He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!!! 5/03/2005 11:14:00 PM 0 comments
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without
water.
His horse has already died of thirst, so, he's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object
sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF*** He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!!! 5/03/2005 11:14:00 PM 0 comments
