A red cross leader visited New Orleans and spoke with some volunteers. "You're doing a great job here and you're work is highly appreciated" he says to the first guy, "where you from?" he asks. The man replies "Boston." "What state is that in?" he asks. The man replies "Massachusettes." Moving on to the next guy, he once again shows his appreciation for his efforts and asks where he is from. The man replies "Dallas." The leader then asks;"what state is that in?," and the guy replies "Texas." Moving on to the third guy, a European, he once again shows his appreciation and asks where he's from. The guy replies "Venice." The leader asks; "what state is that in?" to which the man replies; "Pretty much similar to this!" 9/28/2005 11:39:00 AM0 comments
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. "Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?" 9/27/2005 04:15:00 AM1 comments
Annual Dart Competition At Valhalla
It was the annual dart competition at Valhalla, all sorts of warriors were there. The finals involved Ghengas Kahn and Hannibal. It was Hannibal's turn he threw his first dart "double 20" the score keeper called. The second, "double twenty" called the score keeper again. Hannibal took aim and threw his final dart, unfortunatly he hit the wire makeing the dart fly off in the direction of an unfortunate man named Atilla killing him instantly. In the silence that followed the score keeper's voice was heard to say "one-HUN-dead, and eighty" 9/27/2005 03:47:00 AM0 comments
Future Brides Young Sister I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car 9/27/2005 03:42:00 AM3 comments
Sunday, September 25, 2005
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.“Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." 9/25/2005 01:19:00 PM0 comments
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in our house next weekend!"
Second guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish, when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge, and said, "Fishing or sex?" and she said, "Wear sun block." 9/24/2005 11:20:00 PM0 comments
One Up for the Old Man
An older, white haired man (about 68) walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
Little Johnny - Tick Tock
A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock; what does the clock have that I have too?" One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face." Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands." "Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?" After a long silence, little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss." 9/24/2005 12:12:00 AM0 comments
Friday, September 23, 2005
Collection of Blonde Jokes
FLORIDA OR THE MOON Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo!!! Can you see Florida.......?????"
CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today, you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs. 9/23/2005 12:34:00 PM0 comments
Getting into Heaven
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst . . my wife came home with no panties! "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you." 9/22/2005 07:37:00 PM0 comments
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Henry and Molly were in divorce court after many years of marriage. The judge asked, "Henry, is it true that through the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Molly?"
Very Painfull Groaner
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again”. "Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed." "I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian". 9/21/2005 11:37:00 AM0 comments
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"
A Rambling Rose By Any Other Name
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.Later they go on to a show.The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked. She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'" 9/21/2005 11:10:00 AM0 comments
Monday, September 19, 2005
Man to Wife...
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!"
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!"
"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!"
"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?"
"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Texas midget testicles
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.. 9/19/2005 03:22:00 AM0 comments
Sunday, September 18, 2005
A 70 year old man...
A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?"
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor. 9/18/2005 06:04:00 AM0 comments
Married Couple 35th Wedding Anniversary
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.
Three honeymooning couples...
Three honeymooning couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel. As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, "What huge buttocks!" Much offended, she threw him into the corridor. The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, "Christ! What huge breasts!" She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor. Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well. The other two ask, "What happened? Did you put your foot in it?" "No, but I could have!" the third man replied. 9/18/2005 05:50:00 AM0 comments
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money." 9/18/2005 05:43:00 AM0 comments
Saturday, September 17, 2005
A man goes into the employment office in Los Angeles, there aren't many jobs so it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something.
"Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500 a day guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."
Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at the counter.
"I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46."
"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Los Angeles. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper.
"You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathing suits, and before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing.
It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks.
It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels."
"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job."
The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Fresno."
"Fresno? What do I wanna go to Fresno for?" "Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!" 9/17/2005 06:41:00 AM0 comments
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman." 9/17/2005 06:39:00 AM0 comments
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters. The Brunette said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes." The redhead said "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks." The Blond said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!" 9/14/2005 02:01:00 AM1 comments
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Angering the Irishman
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
A young guy from Texas
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.”
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?”
The kid says, “One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”
Kid says, “$101,237.64.”
Boss says, “$101,237.64? What did you sell him?”
Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”
Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Well, since your weekend’s ****ed, you might as well go fishing.’” 9/10/2005 04:59:00 AM0 comments
This Aussie farm lad
This Aussie farm lad goes to town for his monthly bath and shave....an old hooker accosts him in a pub and they agree to go to her room and do it. He tells her he's never been with a woman, and she's sorta charmed at this, so once in the room, she demurely goes into the loo to "freshen up" a little. When she comes out, the kid has the furniture pushed back against the wall, the rug is rolled up out of the way, and he's squatting on his heels in the middle of the floor, grinning like a dingo. "Uh...I thought you said ...." "Right," he chuckled..."Never been with a sheila, but I figgered if it's anything like "roos, we'd need lotsa room!" 9/10/2005 04:52:00 AM0 comments
Friday, September 09, 2005
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine.
Little Brucie was in his junior school class in Sydney when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, politician etc. Brucie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them sleep with him." The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Brucie aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said Brucie, "My father plays cricket for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say". 9/09/2005 05:52:00 AM2 comments
15 Years of Marriage
The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them about their problem and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had. She takes fifteen minutes to wind down. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says.... "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies.... "I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I go to the pub." 9/09/2005 05:49:00 AM0 comments
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess; let him get himself out of it." 9/09/2005 05:44:00 AM0 comments
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother superior
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."
It was a sweltering August day in 1937 when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker. "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building.
Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.
"Please step inside, Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "And there is something else: The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-Conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!'
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: NORM, HI and MAX
Trapped On A Rock
There was a man stranded on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along came a boat.
The man on the boat asked, "Do you want any help?" The man on the rock replied, "No, the Lord will save me." So the man on the boat went away. Then a helicopter came and asked him the same, "Do you want any help?" Again, the man replied, "No, the Lord will save me." Then along came another man on a boat who also asked, "Do you want any help?" A third time, the man responded, "No, the Lord will save me."
By this time the man was up to his neck in water and before long, he drowned. He arrived at the Holy Gates and asked St. Peter, "Why didn't the Lord save me?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.
He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself.
He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much.
Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
Woman goes to the Doctor A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs.Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,"Does she still have the hiccups?" 9/07/2005 01:43:00 PM0 comments
A man was lying on his death bed.. A man was lying on his death bed with his family, the wife and three sons around him. Two of his sons were six foot strapping good looking specimens while the other was an ugly little dwarf with a hump on his back you couldn't jump over with a vaulting pole. The man spoke to his wife whispering into her ear. “Please tell me before I die, is that ugly little monster really my son?". To which the wife replied. "I swear on the life of my children he really is your son" After hearing this, the man drew his last breath and died after which the wife said quietly to herself, "Thank Christ he didn't ask about the other two” 9/07/2005 01:40:00 PM0 comments
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz crackers.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Only go to the toilet at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so they may as well look like one.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
Qantas Onboard Quotes On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft."
"Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the businessas much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Canberra, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as f#&% everything has shifted."
From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child,pick your favourite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that, in light of hisbad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckageto the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number xyz, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOSH!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" 9/07/2005 02:12:00 AM0 comments
Show the wife you love her Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!" 9/07/2005 01:39:00 AM0 comments
Wife gone missing... The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr.Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs on her." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow! 9/07/2005 01:39:00 AM0 comments
Photgrapher A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire.He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?" 9/07/2005 01:38:00 AM0 comments
A nun goes into Hooters A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?" 9/04/2005 01:47:00 AM0 comments
Friday, September 02, 2005
Circus In Town The circus got to a little town in county Down, Ireland, early one sunday and began to set up. One of the clowns, who also did acrobatic acts, being a god-fearing Catholic, went off to the little church for early confession, but found the priest still having breakfast and not yet in his robes.
"Will ye be hearin' me confession, now, father?" the acrobat asks. "Why, sure, my son, I'll be doing that right away, but I haven't seen you here before. You be just passin' through, like?" "Oh, no, father," replies the man, "I'm all with the circus now. It's come to entertain the folks, like. It's settin up now on the green. You need to come, father, it's right excitin. I'll get ye a ticket, that I will.' "Oh son, I could not be goin to the circus, now, not that I've ever been, mind, but It would na be right for me to go. But, I'll tell ye, I'm interested in what thely'll be seein. What, say, do you do in the circus?" "Me, Father? Why I'm doing the bit of acrobatics, now, that I am." "Acrobatics? I've never seen that now - what do you have to do. Jump about a bit, somethin loike that?" " Oh,father, more loike summersaults, loops, Catherine wheels, that sort o thing, you know. "No, I never seen anythin loike that. It does sound excitin. Perhaps you could show me? Give me a demonstration, would be grand, that would." "Well, father, not here now. I'd need a bt more room loike. I could do a couple a tumbles down the aisle, I suppose, if that would be right wi' you?" "Sure, an there's no one here this early ever. Come on, show me!" So they went out into the church and the acrobat proceeded to do some hand stands, tumbles, and wheels down the aisle. The priest was entranced and demanded an encore - but unknown to him to of the old ladies from the village had got to mass early and were watching this from the shadows to one side. They were astounded, holding their breath in amazement, but one finally leant over to the other and said "Well, dear, if them's the pennance the father's handin' out this morning, I'm goin to go home an put on me knickers." 9/02/2005 01:15:00 PM0 comments
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience raised a glass of water and asked, “how heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it." "If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. "In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden." “So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can." "Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it! And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life: Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. It may be that our sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Never buy a car you can't push. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. The second mouse gets the cheese. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 9/02/2005 01:10:00 PM0 comments
Golf Joke One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice.... "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron." 9/02/2005 01:02:00 PM0 comments
Liverpool Fan In a school just outside of Liverpool, a first year teacher explained to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asked her pupils to raise their hands if they are Liverpool fans too. Not wanting to upset the teacher their hands all went up into the air. However, there is one exception. A little boy named Timmy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different. "Because I am not a Liverpool fan." says Timmy. The teacher then asks, "What are you?". Timmy says "I'm a Chelsea Fan"...The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red, she asks Timmy why he is a Chelsea fan. “Well, my mum and dad are Chelsea fans so I'm a Chelsea fan too... The teacher is now angry..."That's no reason" she says loudly...What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot? Timmy smiled and said, "Then I'd be a Liverpool Fan" 9/02/2005 12:53:00 PM0 comments
A collection of jokes, funnies and what ever tickles my funny bone.