Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree." 1/31/2006 03:05:00 PM0 comments
Sunday, January 29, 2006
80 year old woman on birth control pills The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...............And believe me, it helps me sleep at night." 1/29/2006 02:09:00 AM0 comments
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Used Car Lot It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
Why Women Scream One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.
So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.
"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord.
"Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord."
"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The Lord.
"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam? asked The Lord.
"Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Seventy five, my Lord," replied St. Peter. "
Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman," said the Lord.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.
A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, Texas, where a woman may go to choose a husband from many men. Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates.
There are only six floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch... As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, Jane decides to go to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find herself a husband.
On the first three floors the signs on the doors read:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs. Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,446,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store. Watch your step when you exit the building and have a nice day! 1/22/2006 03:19:00 AM0 comments
Better Relationship A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
Nothing to Declare
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest, to whom she said, "Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course! What can I do for you?"
"Here's the problem...... I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I will not lie."
"You have such an honest face, Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions," and she gave him the hair remover.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
This guy gors to a shrink
This guy gors to a shrink and says, "I'm losing my mind, Doc...I can't sleep, everytime I crawl in bed, it starts bouncing and thumping, 'cause there's boogers 'n monsters under it....I get out of bed and look underneath, and nothin's there! I crawl under to see better, and the bed starts rockin' and thumpin' from on top! They're up there, just raisin' hell! I look on top, and they're under the bed again....over, under, over, under...I tell you, I'm losing it!" I can help you," replies the doctor...."I believe a 2-year course of treatment, twice weekly, $100 per session should do it!" The guy quickly figures the total cost, shakes his head and says, "I better think about it...I'll let you know." The next week, the doc sees the guy on the street and says, "When are we going to start your treatments?" "Forget it," grins the man...."My bartender solved my problem for free...." "How can that be?" asked the shrink. "Simple....he told me to just cut the legs off my bed." 1/21/2006 01:04:00 AM0 comments
Getting Married in Heaven On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?" 1/11/2006 04:00:00 AM0 comments
Goat Sex A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury." The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jud mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jud's pecker." The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that..." 1/11/2006 03:57:00 AM0 comments
An old Indian chief An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials from the GAO sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one GAO analyst, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the GAO officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women! did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing. All night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!" 1/11/2006 03:41:00 AM0 comments
Elvis Andrew's mother gave him ten dollars to buy lunch for himself andhis sister Terri at the diner down the street. On the way they passeda man who was selling puppies for ten dollars each. Unable to resist,Andrew bought one, named it Elvis, and went home.While he stayed outside, playing with it, Terri went inside."Back so soon?" her mother asked."Yes," said Terri. "I'm afraid we never made it to the diner.""Why not?""Because Andrew spent ten dollars on Elvis.""Elvis?""That's right," said Terri. "He ate nothin', bought a hound dog." 1/11/2006 03:37:00 AM0 comments
A Scot and an American talking golf A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. "In most parts of the USA, we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring" the Yank said. "Why, in Scotland, we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us." said the Scot. "Well, what do you do; paint your balls black?" asked the American. "No," said the Scot. "We just put on an extra sweater or two." 1/11/2006 03:26:00 AM0 comments
Sunday, January 08, 2006
English is a crazy language
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people:
Recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. 1/08/2006 09:48:00 PM0 comments
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent Says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!" 1/08/2006 09:31:00 PM0 comments
The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex." There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Preacher'." 1/08/2006 09:21:00 PM0 comments
Friday, January 06, 2006
Two gorgeous blonde biologists
Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. "Look! a pair of tracks" The first blonde said while pointing to the ground. "Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied. "Oh no,"she said to the first, "Those are definitely moose tracks." With this, they began to argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them 1/06/2006 11:13:00 PM0 comments
A blonde heard that A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
Groan alert.. apologies There was this troupe of dancers that travelled around the country dancing in clubs and theatres. They were called the Steppers.
One New Year's Eve, the Steppers did such a good job of pulling in patrons that the management gave them all the drinks they could drink after the show.
Well, they all got plastered and were having a big party. When it came time to get on their bus to travel to the next town, they did not want to stop partying, so they just moved the party to the bus.
As they rode down the highway, you could hear their yelling, singing, and laughing for miles.
At a house along that very highway, there lived a family that had a pet snake. It was a viper, and its name was Peter.
That night, Peter Viper was asleep in his snake house in the back yard. Suddenly, he was awakened by a loud racket. It was the bus carrying the Steppers still having their party.
But Peter didn't know that. In his confusion, he thought he was back in deep dark Africa being pursued by Pygmies. He slithered out of his snake house, headed across the yard as fast as he could, and crossed the highway just in front of the bus.
The bus driver, who was a little sleepy, saw Peter Viper in the road, and mistook him for a giant log. He swerved, and the bus landed in the ditch, drunk Steppers lying everywhere.
A little old lady A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Okay, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"