A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?" The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife." 3/29/2006 10:41:00 PM0 comments
A teacher wrote on the blackboard: "Like I ain't had no fun in months." Then she asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "Get a new boyfriend." 3/29/2006 10:40:00 PM0 comments
Why am I married
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all
A Woman's Prayer Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death. 3/29/2006 10:35:00 PM0 comments
A young corporate executive was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.
He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What took ya so long? You're over two hours late."
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you." 3/29/2006 10:22:00 PM0 comments
When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice ” I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee.” The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice ” I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche.” The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Indian boy to stand up. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice ” I am a Faucarwee”. The teacher looks dumb founded & says “I don’t think there is any such tribe as the Faucarwee.” The little boy says, “My Father & I walked for many days and many nights, and many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around. “He said hummmm, where the Faucarwee” 3/29/2006 10:20:00 PM0 comments
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
My parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until much later that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor. 3/29/2006 10:16:00 PM0 comments
Guilty or Not
A guy is put before the judges bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.
"Not Guilty, your honor."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another heinous' crime, gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor, "How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight'. That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!" 3/29/2006 10:12:00 PM0 comments
A girl goes to a baseball game with a guy she met recently, and he is amazed at her knowledge of the game. "How do you know so much about baseball?" he asks. "Most girls don't follow it as much as guys do." "Oh, I used to play in college...before I had the sex-change operation!" "Uh....I see....." In an effort to keep the conversation moving, he said, "That must have hurt when they ....cut off....your...penis!" "No, it didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would." she replied." What really hurt was when I came back to work and they cut my salary in half." 3/29/2006 10:12:00 PM0 comments
Father Robin arrived home and found Mother Robin was not in the nest. Checking their eggs, he discovered one of them was definitely not his. When Ma Robin came back, he pointed to the egg and said sternly, "How come?" She gave him a sweet smile and replied, "Oh, I just did that for a lark." 3/29/2006 09:49:00 PM0 comments
We had a new Captain join our ship back in the 80's. One thing about a UK Royal Navy Captain of a ship is that he gets his own cabin, his own staff (Stewards), has his own chef and his own furniture.
In fact, a Captains life can be a lonely one. He is not allowed into the main officers wardroom without being invited first. Most Captains only get to do this once or twice a week. They may invite another officer (his first officer) to come dine with him, but a Captains life can be quite lonely..
Anyway, I digress. The Steward was telling me that whilst we were on a 6 month deployment to the Gulf, the Captain had shouted to him to come into his room on the double. (At the rush, or quickly for you strawberry mivvies out there - Civvies - i.e. Civilians)
The captain was stood there pointing at his prised dinning table and specifically to a smudge on the highly polished surface of the grand piece of furniture. The table it transpired had been in his family for generations and was presented by a relative of Admiral Nelson none the less. It deserved to be highly polished and looked after at all times. He didn't want to see it marked again.
Well anyway, the next morning, the Captain again bellows for the steward to come in, and again he points out a smudge mark on the table close to where the one was the day before. The steward apologized and said it won't happen again.
Well the next day after that, there was hell to pay. The captain had gone into his room and there was yet another smudge mark on the table. That was the final straw. He main a public ship wide broadcast for the steward to report to his cabin. He was bellowing about how he was going to court marshall him for dereliction of duty and he wanted to know how he could be so incompetent for letting this happen. He wanted answers and he wanted them now.
Well the Steward had no option other than to tell the captain the truth. "You see sir", he began, "this is a long trip, and me and the other stewards we get bored, so we decided to have a competition". "Go On", said the captain. "Well me and the other stewards have all put 10 pounds into a kitty, and the person with the longest penis wins the pot". "We have each been taking it turns to put our dicks on the table and we mark off the length on the table", he said. "Who ever has the longest dick, wins the pot".
Well initially the captain was livid, but then he looked at the table, looked at the mark and sort of started feeling a bit proud.
"How much did you say it was to join in", he asked. "Ten Pounds sir!", said the steward.
The captain turned around and fetched 10 pounds out of his wallet, walked up to the table, whipped out his impressive looking dick and laid it on the table. A full 3 inches it went past the dirty mark on the table. Rather smuggly he turned to the steward, "So what do you reckon to that then sunny boy?". "Well thats not bad sir", said the steward, "but we have all be standing on the other side of the table." 3/24/2006 10:15:00 PM0 comments
There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated. 3/22/2006 10:40:00 PM0 comments
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
Next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them, then she moved on.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
Next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These outfits were so loud you could HEAR them before you saw them.
Once again, the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again, she nodded at each of them and said, "Good morning Fathers," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes?" she replied.
"We ARE priests, and proud of it, I'll have you know. But how in the world did you KNOW we are priests, dressed as we are?"
New Golfing Husband
As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golf addict. I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of it. You'll probably never see me on the weekends." His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession also...I'm a hooker." "No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. You'll be hitting them straight in no time." 3/22/2006 10:38:00 PM0 comments
Monday, March 20, 2006
So So Sorry
A guy was coming home from work in the city, driving country roads to get home. He looks in his rear view mirror and sees an ambulance. He pulls over and as the ambulance passes, he sees the the back door is open a little. The ambulance goes over a bump and out falls an ice chest. The guy rushes over to the ice chest and opens it up. Inside is a human toe in the ice. He sees he can't catch the ambulance so he gets in his car and rushes to the nearest gas station to call 911. They tell him they will send a car right away but that all of their patrol cars are in use and to just wait 20 minutes. So he waits 20 minutes................. until the tow truck shows up. 3/20/2006 12:07:00 AM0 comments
Wife Dies on Holiday/Vacation
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." 3/20/2006 12:03:00 AM0 comments
Sunday, March 19, 2006
A woman goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist about Viagra. "Does it really work?" she asks. "Yes, it does," responds the pharmacist. "I've tried it myself." "Can you get it over-the-counter?" "If I take two, I can," he replies. 3/19/2006 11:54:00 PM0 comments
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
Walking through the woods, a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. He asks, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of this tree."
"You've gotta be kidding."
"No, not at all! Would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, this is really stupid, but..., okay .." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it. The other man immediately slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewellery and car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.
Two hours later, another nature lover strolls by, sees this man handcuffed to the tree naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was regaling his plight, the newcomer is shaking his head in sympathy, circling him. When the handcuffed man is finished talking, the second man walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just isn't your day, is it, Sugar!" 3/14/2006 02:13:00 PM0 comments
Walking Eagle - Hillary Clinton
Senator Hilary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation a couple weeks ago in upper New York state. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a NewYork Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the Senator.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim.
Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior.
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a Bush found in Texas 3/13/2006 01:08:00 PM0 comments
Lone Rangers Last Request
They have the Lone Ranger lined up and they are ready to shoot him. They ask him if he has any last requests.
He replies, "Yes, I'll have a last cigarette." They give it to him and he proceeds to send smoke signals to Tonto, who's down the trail.
Within minutes, Tonto comes flying down the trail with a wagon filled with women.
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman, already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 percent. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" 3/13/2006 01:03:00 PM0 comments
Secrets are what we tell everybody else not to tell anybody.
Have you ever noticed that from the air, Yankee Stadium looks like a big bedpan?
I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror.
When you're trying something new, fewer people who know about it, the better.
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once.
One thing has always troubled me: Where did Noah put the termites?
A sinner can reform but stupid is forever.
In marriage a warm heart seldom compensates for cold hands.
Late night TV is very educational. You realize you should have gone to bed earlier.
If some people said what they thought, they'd be speechless.
Never mistake asthma for passion.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Usually people are as happy as they make their minds up to be.
The world is composed of givers and takers. The takers may eat better . . . but the givers sleep better.
Chemical "inside" a fire hydrant . . . H2O Chemical "outside" of a fire hydrant . . . K9P
There are two types of people in the workplace, those who do the work and those who go to meetings to talk about those doing the work.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with Simple Minds. I also rent videos together too. Last week I rented "Bambi" and "The Deer Hunter."
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.
I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.
In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equal.
Karma doesn't care who you are.
It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless.
The best way to get even is to forget
A political promise today means another tax tomorrow.
Travelers can tell when it's vacation time. The regular roads are closed and the detours are open.
People say that hard work never killed anybody but did you ever know anybody who rested to death?
My parents made me what I am today. I'm thinking of suing.
Matter is neither created nor destroyed, it only gets more expensive.
You don't run into many religious astrophysicists.
Philosophy is very meaningful until you have to pay the rent.
Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.
Serious is the last thing you want your relationship to become.
Dieting is a way of living a little longer by starving yourself to death.
A hobby is hard work you wouldn't do for a living.
Life is what happens when you're not watching television.
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
Some guys don't grow up until they have a heart attack.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
While visiting his niece, an elderly man had what was apparently a stroke. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain shows no sign of activity, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!" 3/09/2006 11:50:00 AM0 comments
Making her husband Happy
The night before her wedding Maria pulled her mother aside for an intimate little chat. "Mom," she confided, "I want you to tell me how I can make my new husband happy." The bride's mother took a deep breath. "Well, my child," she began, "when two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing." "I know how to make love, Mom," interrupted the girl. "I want you 'I to teach me how to make lasagna." 3/09/2006 11:36:00 AM0 comments
The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Tyson," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "I don't want to hear that language in here again."
After a moment, she thought she whispered aloud, "At least he doesn't know what it means."
"young male virgin and a shy college freshman"
A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there." The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy." "I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!" 3/09/2006 11:31:00 AM0 comments
If my body were a car
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
Southern University Psychology
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
Go to a fast food drive-thru with a speaker system and post a big sign in red letters on the speaker that reads, “SPEAKER IS BROKEN PLEASE SPEAK LOUDLY and SLOWLY.” Park your car within earshot of the speaker, then watch and listen for the shouting to begin. 3/06/2006 09:49:00 AM0 comments
Rig a friend’s lawnmower with a plastic bag full of feathers or fur and hamburger meat. Secure the bag of stuff with duct tape securely to the bottom of the lawn mower above the blade. When your friend starts mowing, the vibrating will slowly shake the bag loose, and then, “fur” and “guts” will fly everywhere! This one is especially good if your friend has a small dog or pet. 3/06/2006 09:45:00 AM0 comments
Making Savings, cutting out the beer
I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
How do you like your eggs done?
She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and she says, "you've got to make love to me this very moment." He, thinking it's his lucky day, gives her one over the kitchen table. Afterwards he says, "what was that all about?" She says "the egg timer's broken"! 3/06/2006 09:32:00 AM0 comments
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now ma'am." 3/06/2006 09:28:00 AM0 comments
On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife to dinner. Their teenage daughters told them that they would have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with China, crystal, and candles, and there was a note that read, "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
Adam and Christian were two atlantic prawns. They had been friends all their lives, and went everywhere together. One day, Adam brushed up against a bottle on the seabed, and out popped a genie, complete with breathing gear (as you might expect). He offered Adam three wishes. "I can't think of much," said Adam, "can I have one wish now and come back later for the others?". The Genie agreed, so Adam said "Well, I've always wanted to be a great white shark."
Sploosh, Adam turns into a great white shark.
"Come back when you think what you want with the other wishes" the genie calls out as he squeezes back in to the bottle.
Adam thought this was great, but soon noticed that all his friends were giving him a bit of a wide berth. So he went to see his lifelong friend Christian, but he got the door slammed in his face. "Shove off, you're a great white shark, and I don't feel safe with you" .
Adam was very upset, and after wandering around the seabed alone for a while, he returned to the genie. He explained that all his friends were shunning him, and he did not want to be a shark any more. The genie points out that legally, he is under no obligation to reverse a wish just because it no longer suited, and Adam agreed to use his second wish. The genie reverses the process
Sploosh!! Adam is no longer a shark.
Pleased as punch he goes to see his lifelong friend, and as he approaches the little prawny house, he calls out "Hello, its me, Adam, can we be friends again?"
"Why should I be friends with you, you were a shark not long ago", said his old pal.