'Tickling the Bone'
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency
Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP)
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United
States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The
move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly
salary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and
related overhead the office has incurred during the last 6 years.
"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,"
stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA).
"We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level
of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices (Mumbai ,India) will assume the
office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United
States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus
making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320
(USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference
between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few
offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me
to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in
an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped
I would be President."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should
not be a problem, as President Bush was not familiar with the issues
either.
It is not yet clear if plans are being considered for outsourcing the
Senate and the House of Representatives. This could seriously affect
staffing efficiency at the Dell call center. Special interests and
lobbyists here are expected to seriously push back on any such efforts.
It is thought that saving the hundreds of millions of dollars now spent
annually on campaign financing could positively affect the U.S. Economy.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he
can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying
issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the
spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final
day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be
eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.
He will not also be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits
will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the
outplacement services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and
prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new
position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A
greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive
experience shaking hands, as well as his special smile.
If approved, most of the affected Congressional positions would probably
revert to entry level Internet bloggers or on-call street activists. If
nothing else, they may be offered jobs as reporters or TV commentators.
Labels: General, George_Bush, US, US_President
6/28/2007 09:41:00 AM Friday, June 22, 2007
Man With Sensitive Side
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my
God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says..
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my
God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says..
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
Labels: men
6/22/2007 09:40:00 PM Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Old Wise Man
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler
said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring
up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that
account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler
said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring
up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that
account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Bank Robbers
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank. Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag. The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, “Bark! Bark!” “Ah, must be a dog!” says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, “Meow!” and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, “Must be cats!” and turns his focus on the last sack, kicking it sharply. The Irishman cries out, “Potatoes!”
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank. Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag. The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, “Bark! Bark!” “Ah, must be a dog!” says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, “Meow!” and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, “Must be cats!” and turns his focus on the last sack, kicking it sharply. The Irishman cries out, “Potatoes!”
Labels: irish
6/06/2007 10:58:00 AM
Koala Joke
A prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.
"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven`t been paid!"
Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up *prostitute*.
She shows him the definition:
PROSTITUTE (pros`ti toot) n. A woman who performs services for money. The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary.
He shows her a definition:
KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare) n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves.
A prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.
"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven`t been paid!"
Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up *prostitute*.
She shows him the definition:
PROSTITUTE (pros`ti toot) n. A woman who performs services for money. The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary.
He shows her a definition:
KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare) n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves.
Labels: animals, playonwords
6/06/2007 10:56:00 AM Saturday, June 02, 2007
Crashed My Car
I crashed my car into the back of another at a traffic light this morning.
The guy got out of his car and he was a dwarf!
He said "I'm not happy!"
So I said "Well, which one are you then?"
I crashed my car into the back of another at a traffic light this morning.
The guy got out of his car and he was a dwarf!
He said "I'm not happy!"
So I said "Well, which one are you then?"
Labels: General, good_news_bad_news
6/02/2007 06:46:00 PM 