- Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
- Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
- The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
- Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.
- Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
- This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Labels: General, George_Bush, US, US_President
5/09/2008 03:26:00 AM 0 comments
A man and his ever-nagging wife went away on vacation to Jerusalem. Sadly, while they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or, you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about this for a few seconds and told the undertake to make arrangements for having his wife shipped home.
The undertaker slightly puzzled asked the man, "Why you would spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land AND save yourself a bunch of money in the process?"
The man replied, "A long time ago, there was a man who died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"
A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer , along for the company.
One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Labels: animals, General, Wise
5/06/2008 11:00:00 PM 0 comments Samantha is a croupier and often works at an exclusive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to pay roulette all day and poker all night
Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might do for a tenor,
While her baking instructor "popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and he's promised to try her muffin next week".
Pub which has a sign saying: "Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear".
I am sorry, Samantha won't be able to join us tonight as she has had to meet a bee keeper friend in Warrington. Samantha has recently taken up Bee keeping and has around 3 dozen so far. Her friend quite often frees her thirty eight bees and has them flying around his head!
Samantha spent several hours down in the gramophone archive earlier, choosing four of the very best, and those magnificent hits are about to be given an airing for the teams' delight. She'll soon have them swinging along to the music.,
Samantha, can't be with us today as she's away helping an elderly neighbour clear out for a house move. This morning she sorted his box room and later she's going to join him in the attic to have a good rummage in his trunks.
Samantha has drawn my attention to several misunderstandings in past introductions to this round, as she takes her preparation work for it very seriously. She insists we spend hours in the gramophone archive researching records, and I can't tell you how long she keeps me down there. However, she retains her sense of humour, and if I ever do slip up she always gives me a reassuring smile when I put it incorrectly.
I spent a frankly unrewarding half hour down there this morning, until Samantha generously offered to help me out. Strictly speaking, her contract doesn't cover research, and by asking her to have an unpaid poke amongst the record stack I might have put her in an awkward position, but she didn't mind.
Samantha spent a few hours browsing among the shelves in the singles archive this week, and as a result of a rewarding poke in the country section, she was thrilled to discover a mint condition 7 inch Boxcar Willie.
As ever, Samantha spent some hours down in the gramophone archive selecting the team's discs. You know, she puts in a lot of hard work on this round and she gets a bit fed up with silly comments about the way she 'checks the teams' 7 inchers' or 'pulls out my reproduction equipment and twists my knob'. Samantha tells me she tries to take no notice of these pathetic, puerile critics, but it isn't always easy to ignore her knockers.
Samantha has spent a rewarding evening amongst the shelves down in the gramophone archive. As ever, her keen eye has spotted a firm favourite or two, and she couldn't resist getting them down.
Samantha has been busying herself down in the gramophone archive, pulling out a 7 incher for each of the teams, and checking closely for damage. She was disappointed to see one or two were worn almost flat through over use. Fortunately, she has a couple of fine 45s in reserve for just such an emergency, and will be getting them out soon to put things right.
The above are allegedly double entendre by Humphrey Richard Adeane Lyttelton (23 May 1921 – 25 April 2008) - Website
Labels: General, playonwords
5/02/2008 02:33:00 AM 0 comments 