Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year. Ken would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Ken, only a helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair,
and Ken said,
'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never
get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Ken helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If
you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't
charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, yet not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
And, still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't. I am very impressed!'
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell
out, But you know,
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
An elderly man owned a large farm with a large pond in the back, fixed
up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, plus some apple and
peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the fruit
trees by the pond.
He took a bucket with him to bring back some fruit. As he neared the
pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence so they all
went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just down here to feed the
Moral: -- Some old men can still think fast.
An elderly Gentleman, goes on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his
faithful, old dog he had named Genius (because he was the smartest dog
Neil had ever know) along for the company. One day, Genius starts chasing rabbits and before long, he discovers
he's lost his way. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the intention of having lunch. So Genius thinks, "Oh, ho! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Then noticing some
bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching predator.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly,
"Boy, was that one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more
around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his approach, a look of terror
comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew! what a close one! That old dog nearly had me!" A monkey who had been watching the whole thing from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for some
future protection from the leopard. So, off he goes after the leopard.
Only Genius sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
being a very smart experienced old dog, he figures something bad must be
up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is
furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop up on my back and watch what's happens to conniving
canine! Now, Genius sees the leopard coming toward him with the monkey on his
back and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?",
Thinking fast, Genius, instead of his running, he sits down with his
back to the leopard and his snitch, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
Then just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog acting Like he
is talking to himself says, "I wonder where's the monkey is? It is been long enough since I sent
him off to bring me another leopard !
Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and Skill will always overcome Youth and Energy!
My wife has just told me I have to quit drinking beer because we can't afford it any more.
Then I pointed out she spent £65 on make up yesterday.
I asked her why I had to give up beer, and she didn't have to give up stuff.
She said the make up was to make her pretty for me.
I said the beer was for the same thing.
I don't think she's coming back :(
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever..
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room..
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150
One day my house work-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me:
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma'
And they say blondes are dumb...
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times..?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative ; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the"GOVERNMENT".... This time I know I’m gonna get screwed."
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and bloodshot eyes. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up all night and watched him."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, the same thing. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said," Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night it was Fred's turn. Fred was an old cowboy who'd been around the block a few times. The next morning Fred came to breakfast, 'bright eyed and bushy tailed'. His hunting buddies were stunned and asked him, "What happened?"
He drawled, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass, and gave him a good night kiss. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge
quietly reviews some papers and then says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says,
"I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies,
"What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story
The man answers,
"Well, Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is
'It's that time of the month.'"
An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the
bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find
any public bathroom to relieve himself.
So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just
as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating
on the flowers.
"Ahhh," he said in relief.
Then turning toward the officer, he said,
"This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why..
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and
Cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake
Wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?"
Five rules for men to follow for a happy life.
Young Charlie is having trouble with his first grade addition homework,
so his father decides to help. He teaches the Charlie how to add small
numbers by counting on his fingers. Eventually, the little boy becomes quite
good. "But remember," the father says, "you can't use your fingers in school
-- you'll have to do it in your head."
The next day at school, the teacher calls on Charlie and asks him "what is
five plus five?" Charlie starts to raise his hands, but remembering what
his father said, hides them in his pockets. After a few seconds of counting,
Charlie announces "Eleven!"