My wife has just told me I have to quit drinking beer because we can't afford it any more.
Then I pointed out she spent £65 on make up yesterday.
I asked her why I had to give up beer, and she didn't have to give up stuff.
She said the make up was to make her pretty for me.
I said the beer was for the same thing.
I don't think she's coming back :(
Labels: Husband, Marriage, Men_vs_Women, wife
1/27/2010 10:57:00 AM 0 comments
One day my house work-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me:
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma'
And they say blondes are dumb...
Labels: blonde, men, Men_vs_Women, US, wife, Women
11/03/2009 12:15:00 PM 0 comments A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge
quietly reviews some papers and then says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says,
"I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies,
"What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story
house?"
The man answers,
"Well, Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is
'It's that time of the month.'"
Labels: Men_vs_Women
10/06/2009 12:05:00 PM 0 comments Five rules for men to follow for a happy life.
- It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
- It’s important to have a woman who you can make laugh.
- It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
- It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
- It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Labels: men, Men_vs_Women, Women
7/27/2009 08:15:00 PM 0 comments - It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
- It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
- It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
- It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
- It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Labels: chauvinist, men, Men_vs_Women, Women
1/23/2009 11:29:00 AM 0 comments How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is the Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman that can't even afford a washing machine is probably too poor to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A Man once told me...."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more often than women?
Because a woman can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course, he'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she is told.
Labels: chauvinist, General, men, Men_vs_Women, wife, Women
12/07/2008 12:03:00 PM 0 comments One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don´t know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation... The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't´ help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I´ll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I´ll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride. The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't´make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"Labels: General, Men_vs_Women, money, Old_Men
9/05/2007 11:37:00 AM 0 comments When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.
Labels: men, Men_vs_Women, money, Old_Men, Wise, Women
8/23/2007 08:23:00 PM 0 comments While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
Restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant
and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her
glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until after they had been
driving about 20 minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive. The more he scolded her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at
the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to
retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"
Labels: General, Life, men, Men_vs_Women, Old_Men
8/17/2007 01:29:00 PM 0 comments There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him. He's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
Labels: men, Men_vs_Women, playonwords, US, Women
7/18/2007 12:45:00 PM 0 comments REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, July 12th, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8
PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting
The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The
Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries
and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued
to the survivors. Check specials in your coupon books, and do not
leave them laying around where the ol lady will find them.
Labels: men, Men_vs_Women, wife
7/09/2007 07:43:00 AM 0 comments 