A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever..
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room..
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150
Labels: animals, financial, General, money, playonwords, US
11/03/2009 12:29:00 PM 0 comments
One day my house work-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me:
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma'
And they say blondes are dumb...
Labels: blonde, men, Men_vs_Women, US, wife, Women
11/03/2009 12:15:00 PM 0 comments The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and bloodshot eyes. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up all night and watched him."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, the same thing. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said," Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night it was Fred's turn. Fred was an old cowboy who'd been around the block a few times. The next morning Fred came to breakfast, 'bright eyed and bushy tailed'. His hunting buddies were stunned and asked him, "What happened?"
He drawled, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass, and gave him a good night kiss. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
Labels: Cowboy, funny_stories, US
10/21/2009 03:29:00 PM 0 comments An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the10/01/2009 08:17:00 AM 0 comments
bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find
any public bathroom to relieve himself.
So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just
as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating
on the flowers.
"Ahhh," he said in relief.
Then turning toward the officer, he said,
"This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why..
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and
Cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake
Wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here......
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
Labels: funny_stories, US
8/31/2009 09:05:00 AM 0 comments A little withered old man walks into a timber company office, and applies
for a job as a lumberjack. The foreman politely tries to talk him out of the
idea. After all, he is old, small, and apparently much too weak to fell
trees. The old man picks up an axe and walks over to a huge redwood. As he
goes to work, a high-pitched whine comes from the axe, chips of wood fly
everywhere, and the odour of burning wood fills the air. In record time, the
old man is finished chopping down the tree.
"That's just astounding," the foreman says, "wherever did you learn to
chop down trees like that?"
"Well now," the old man smiles, "have you ever heard of the Sahara
Forest?"
"You mean the Sahara Desert."
"Sure, that's what it's called NOW..."
A mother and her young son were flying South-West Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes".
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) suggested that her son go ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and said "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said "Yes, she did."
"Well, then you go back and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain THAT to you."
Labels: kids, mother, playonwords, US
4/01/2009 03:45:00 PM 0 comments An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly
to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long
wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly,
he said,
While I'm afraid he is brain-dead, his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks
with shock!
"We've never had a Democrat in the family before!" 3/28/2009 07:30:00 AM 0 comments
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. As he was delayed, the priest decided to speak while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his
way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled.
Still, as the days went on I learned my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
The Moral of this story: Never, Never, Never Ever, Be Late
Labels: could_be_true, funny_stories, moral, story, US, Wise
3/18/2009 08:20:00 AM 0 comments Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The Coroner calls the Police Inspector and says:
"The first body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress, hence the enormous smile."
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi,Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."
"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"She thought she was having her picture taken.
Labels: funny_stories, General, US
3/02/2009 05:22:00 PM 0 comments A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are-I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass". The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Labels: funny_stories, Police, US
1/17/2009 11:18:00 PM 0 comments
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The Cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '
'And here I am.'
Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!
Labels: blonde, Cowboy, General, US
6/29/2008 11:33:00 AM 0 comments
- Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
- Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
- The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
- Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.
- Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
- This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Labels: General, George_Bush, US, US_President
5/09/2008 03:26:00 AM 0 comments A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; When ever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
Labels: Boom_Boom, Medical, sex, US, Women
8/01/2007 04:56:00 PM 0 comments 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know7/30/2007 01:03:00 PM 0 comments
where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room
for the T.V. Remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. And change
the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? !
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one..
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
7/25/2007 04:17:00 PM 0 comments Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have thirteen stitches in his forehead.
Labels: could_be_true, mostly_true, true_stories, US
7/23/2007 09:14:00 PM 0 comments There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him. He's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
Labels: men, Men_vs_Women, playonwords, US, Women
7/18/2007 12:45:00 PM 0 comments A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His
business was failing, he had put everything he had
into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad
he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort
he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears
and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what
I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in
your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach
chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the
beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the
Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open
Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the
page and read the first thing you see. That will be your
answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest
and brought his wife and children with him. The man
was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink
coat, the children shining.
The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with
money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a
donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious.
"You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
Labels: financial, hope, money, prayer, religion, US
7/05/2007 08:04:00 AM Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP)
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United
States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The
move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly
salary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and
related overhead the office has incurred during the last 6 years.
"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,"
stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA).
"We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level
of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices (Mumbai ,India) will assume the
office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United
States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus
making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320
(USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference
between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few
offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me
to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in
an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped
I would be President."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should
not be a problem, as President Bush was not familiar with the issues
either.
It is not yet clear if plans are being considered for outsourcing the
Senate and the House of Representatives. This could seriously affect
staffing efficiency at the Dell call center. Special interests and
lobbyists here are expected to seriously push back on any such efforts.
It is thought that saving the hundreds of millions of dollars now spent
annually on campaign financing could positively affect the U.S. Economy.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he
can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying
issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the
spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final
day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be
eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.
He will not also be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits
will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the
outplacement services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and
prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new
position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A
greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive
experience shaking hands, as well as his special smile.
If approved, most of the affected Congressional positions would probably
revert to entry level Internet bloggers or on-call street activists. If
nothing else, they may be offered jobs as reporters or TV commentators.
Labels: General, George_Bush, US, US_President
6/28/2007 09:41:00 AM An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler
said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring
up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that
account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
Three men were travelling in rural America when their car came to grief, whereupon they sought shelter at the nearest farmhouse.
The farmer had two spare beds, and, of course, his daughter's, but since he had heard all of those stories he informed the men that one of them would have to sleep in the barn. One of them, a very polite Hindu mathematician, immediately volunteered and went out to the barn. A short time later there was a knock on the door, and, sure enough, there was the Hindu, very apologetically explaining that there were cows in the barn, and because of his religious convictions, he didn't think he could remain there.
A second man, a conservative rabbi, now volunteered and went. But a short time later, there was a knock on the door. Sure enough, he too was back, explaining that since there was a pig in the barn, he too would be quite uncomfortable out there.
Whereupon the third man, a practising lawyer, agreeably proceeded out to the barn.
In a little while, there was a knock on the door. And when they went to answer it, sure enough, there were the cows and the pig.
4/16/2007 04:40:00 AM A man running for mayor was making a speech, and thundered, "I want you people to know that there are over two dozen brothels in this town, and I have never been to one of them!"
A voice from the back yelled out, "Which one?" 3/20/2007 09:50:00 AM 0 comments
