Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year. Ken would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Ken, only a helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is
fifty bucks'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair,
and Ken said,
'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never
get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Ken helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If
you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't
charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, yet not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
And, still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't. I am very impressed!'
Ken replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell
out, But you know,
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
Labels: funny_stories, Husband, Old_Men, wife
3/18/2010 02:08:00 PM 0 comments
An elderly man owned a large farm with a large pond in the back, fixed
up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, plus some apple and
peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the fruit
trees by the pond.
He took a bucket with him to bring back some fruit. As he neared the
pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence so they all
went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just down here to feed the
alligator."
Moral: -- Some old men can still think fast.
Labels: funny_stories, Old_Men, Wise
3/08/2010 10:22:00 AM 0 comments An elderly Gentleman, goes on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his
faithful, old dog he had named Genius (because he was the smartest dog
Neil had ever know) along for the company. One day, Genius starts chasing rabbits and before long, he discovers
he's lost his way. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the intention of having lunch. So Genius thinks, "Oh, ho! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Then noticing some
bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching predator.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly,
"Boy, was that one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more
around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his approach, a look of terror
comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew! what a close one! That old dog nearly had me!" A monkey who had been watching the whole thing from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for some
future protection from the leopard. So, off he goes after the leopard.
Only Genius sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
being a very smart experienced old dog, he figures something bad must be
up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is
furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop up on my back and watch what's happens to conniving
canine! Now, Genius sees the leopard coming toward him with the monkey on his
back and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?",
Thinking fast, Genius, instead of his running, he sits down with his
back to the leopard and his snitch, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
Then just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog acting Like he
is talking to himself says, "I wonder where's the monkey is? It is been long enough since I sent
him off to bring me another leopard !
Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and Skill will always overcome Youth and Energy!
Labels: animals, funny_stories
3/08/2010 10:16:00 AM 0 comments The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and bloodshot eyes. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up all night and watched him."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, the same thing. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said," Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night it was Fred's turn. Fred was an old cowboy who'd been around the block a few times. The next morning Fred came to breakfast, 'bright eyed and bushy tailed'. His hunting buddies were stunned and asked him, "What happened?"
He drawled, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass, and gave him a good night kiss. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
Labels: Cowboy, funny_stories, US
10/21/2009 03:29:00 PM 0 comments Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why..
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and
Cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake
Wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here......
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
Labels: funny_stories, US
8/31/2009 09:05:00 AM 0 comments A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?"
Labels: funny_stories, Wise
7/27/2009 08:17:00 PM 0 comments A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. As he was delayed, the priest decided to speak while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his
way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled.
Still, as the days went on I learned my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
The Moral of this story: Never, Never, Never Ever, Be Late
Labels: could_be_true, funny_stories, moral, story, US, Wise
3/18/2009 08:20:00 AM 0 comments Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The Coroner calls the Police Inspector and says:
"The first body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress, hence the enormous smile."
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi,Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."
"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"She thought she was having her picture taken.
Labels: funny_stories, General, US
3/02/2009 05:22:00 PM 0 comments A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are-I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass". The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Labels: funny_stories, Police, US
1/17/2009 11:18:00 PM 0 comments My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'
I took a deep breath, then asked, "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...
Hooked on phonics! Gotta love it...
Labels: animals, could_be_true, funny_stories, General, kids
8/03/2008 08:52:00 PM 0 comments The local vicar was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?", asked the vicar.
The young boy thought for a moment, then replied "I just want enough money to go out and buy a bicycle."
After a moment of consideration, the vicar asked, "Will you take my bike in exchange for it?"
The boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, he said, "You've got yourself a deal!"
The vicar took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. He called the boy over and said, "I can't seem to get it to start."
"That's because you have to swear at it to get it started."
The vicar said, "I can't swear. It's been so long since I became a Vicar, I don't even remember how to swear."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'If you keep pulling on that rope for long enough, it'll soon come back to you."
Labels: funny_stories, General, kids, religion
8/03/2008 03:37:00 AM 0 comments One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 ½ years old & had gotten me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys.
My daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a cup of “tea”, which was just water.
After several cups of my tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mother came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest little thing!'
My mother waited, and sure enough, there I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you the only place she can reach to get any water is in the toilet?'
Labels: funny_stories, General, kids
8/03/2008 12:26:00 AM 0 comments It was opening night at the Glasgow Empire and "The Amazing Claude" was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced that unlike most stage hypnotists, who invite 2 or 3 people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, he intended to hypnotize the whole audience. The atmosphere was electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique watch from his coat. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch. It is a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generation".
Then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.....".
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotists fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into dozens of pieces.
"Shit!!", said the hypnotist...
It took five days to clean up the theatre.
Labels: funny_stories, General
10/01/2007 12:50:00 PM 0 comments 