Ten year old Mary was sat in Sunday school dozing off during a Jesus lecture. Realising she wasn't paying attention, the teacher said, "Mary, who is our Lord?"
Billy, the boy sat behind Mary, poked her in the back with his pencil. Mary leapt up and cried "Jesus Christ!"
"Very good, Mary," said the teacher, carrying on with the lecture. Mary went back to her dozing.
Ten minutes the teacher said, "Mary, give us an example of blasphemy."
Billy leant forward and poked Mary in the back with his pencil again. "Oh my God!" Mary yelled.
"Very good, Mary," said the teacher. Mary went back to her dozing.
Ten minutes later the teacher said, "Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"
Billy poked Mary in the back with his pencil again. Mary leapt up and screamed "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it!"
Labels: kids, playonwords, religion
6/08/2009 10:03:00 PM 0 comments
The local vicar was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?", asked the vicar.
The young boy thought for a moment, then replied "I just want enough money to go out and buy a bicycle."
After a moment of consideration, the vicar asked, "Will you take my bike in exchange for it?"
The boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, he said, "You've got yourself a deal!"
The vicar took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. He called the boy over and said, "I can't seem to get it to start."
"That's because you have to swear at it to get it started."
The vicar said, "I can't swear. It's been so long since I became a Vicar, I don't even remember how to swear."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'If you keep pulling on that rope for long enough, it'll soon come back to you."
Labels: funny_stories, General, kids, religion
8/03/2008 03:37:00 AM 0 comments An American decided to write a book about famous Mosques around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.
On his first day he was inside a Mosque taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to Allah. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large Mosque, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in China and he asked a nearby Holy man what its purpose was. He told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to Allah. "O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to India, Sri Lanka, Russia, Turkey, Israel, France, Germany,. In every Mosque he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to Pakistan to see if Pakistanis had the same phone. He arrived in Pakistan, and again, in the first Mosque he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Imam, I have traveled all over World and I have seen this same golden telephone in many Mosques. I am told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere the price was $10,000 per call."
"Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You are in Pakistan now, son - it is a local call".
8/02/2008 11:27:00 PM 0 comments A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His
business was failing, he had put everything he had
into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad
he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort
he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears
and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what
I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in
your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach
chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the
beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the
Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open
Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the
page and read the first thing you see. That will be your
answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest
and brought his wife and children with him. The man
was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink
coat, the children shining.
The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with
money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a
donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious.
"You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
Labels: financial, hope, money, prayer, religion, US
7/05/2007 08:04:00 AM 