I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and* nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you love someone, fight fair.
Never turn down the conversation of a child.
A massage can change your whole world view.
I have a bi-colour lawn: brown grass and green weeds.
Happiness is working in your own area code.
Do not share things that are dear to you with people who are not.
Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?
The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people actually understand.
Time flies whether or not you’re having fun.
Plastic surgery: the work-out routine for the rich.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
I’ve learned more from silence than from any other teacher.
If I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
For that matter, how come wrong numbers are never busy?
Skydivers are good to the last drop.