Ronnie Barkers Top Ten Jokes


1. The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.

2. Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had sex since 1956? His friend said: “`That’s a long time ago.” “I don’t know,” the general replied, “it’s only 20.27 now.”

3. The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.

4. In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

5. The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

6. A new publishing venture was announced today, the Stock Breeders Gazette and Playboy magazine are to get together to produce the Farmer Sutra.

7. Arnold Crump, a 6ft 9ins, ham-fisted, hairy drunk with a short temper, bad breath, acne, dandruff and fleas, was named by Scotland Yard today as Britain’s most unwanted man.

8. A famous Spoonerism from sitcom Open All Hours: “Don’t just crit there siticising.”

9. George Mumble the Bodmin man who swallowed 200 weight of laxative for a bet on coronation night has celebrated his Silver Jubilee. He’s been on the throne for 25 years.

10. As prisoner Norman Stanley Fletcher in Porridge, when playing a game of Monopoly: “Would you Adam and Eve it? Go to jail!”

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