13 Reasons to Smile!

  • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my OWN pants.
  • Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.
  • How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
  • A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Wow…that was fun!”
  • I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
  • When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”
  • Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
  • Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?
  • Wouldn’t you know it… Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
  • Bumper sticker of the year: “If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it’s in English, thank a soldier”
  • And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

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