Giving up Beer and Makeup

My wife has just told me I have to quit drinking beer because we can’t afford it any more.

Then I pointed out she spent Ā£65 on make up yesterday.

I asked her why I had to give up beer, and she didn’t have to give up stuff.

She said the make up was to make her pretty for me.

I said the beer was for the same thing.

I don’t think she’s coming back šŸ™

The Vets Bill

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her   pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the   bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" 

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.. 

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. 

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. 

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" 

The vet shrugged, "I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150

And they say blondes are dumb

One day my house work-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me:

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’ 

He yelled back, ‘University of Oklahoma’ 

And they say blondes are dumb… 

The 11th Husband….

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve been married ten times..?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative ;  he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.  
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the   order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.  
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,   he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.  
"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.  
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was…….. God I miss him.
" But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? 
"You’re with the"GOVERNMENT"….  This time I know Iā€™m gonna get screwed."

Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and bloodshot eyes. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up all night and watched him."
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, the same thing. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said," Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night it was Fred’s turn. Fred was an old cowboy who’d been around the block a few times. The next morning Fred came to breakfast, ‘bright eyed and bushy tailed’. His hunting buddies were stunned and asked him, "What happened?"
He drawled, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass, and gave him a good night kiss. Bob sat up and watched me all night."