Eating In The UK In The Fifties

Pasta had not been introduced.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.
Fish didn’t have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn’t peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
“Kebab” was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.
The one thing we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was ELBOWS!!!!


Thinking about Golf

  • Golf balls are like eggs, they’re white, they’re sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.   
  • A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.  
  • It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.  
  • When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it’s a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m.  to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard? 
  • Golf is by far the ultimate love/hate relationship.  Sometime is seems as though your cup runneth and moveth over.
  • It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery.  On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.  
  • A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.  
  • Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or gators either.  
  • Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.  
  • A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you.  
  • That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work. 
  • If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.  
  • If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.  
  • You probably wouldn’t look good in a Green Jacket anyway!  A sweatshirt will do just fine!  
  • Golf appeals to the child in all of us.  This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.  
  • It’s a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you’re not choosy about which fairway. 
  • If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.  
  • The greatest sound in golf is the Wosh, Wosh, Wosh, of your opponent’s club as he hurls it across the fairway. 
  • A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest.  They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there’s ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.

Helicopter Ride

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year. Ken would say,

‘Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter’

Edna always replied,

‘I know Ken, only a helicopter ride is fifty bucks,  And fifty bucks is
fifty bucks’

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair,
and Ken said,

‘Edna, I’m 75 years old.  If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never
get another chance’

To this, Edna replied,

"Ken helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks’

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If
you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t
charge you a penny!  But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, yet not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

And, still not a word…

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,

‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn’t. I am very impressed!’

Ken replied,

‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell
out, But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!’

Old man by the pond – Young women Skinny dipping

An elderly man owned a large farm with a large pond in the back, fixed
up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, plus some apple and
peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the fruit
trees by the pond.

He took a bucket with him to bring back some fruit. As he neared the
pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.   As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in  the pond. He made the women aware of his presence so they all
went to the deep end.  One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim  naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he  said, "I'm just down here to feed the

Moral: -- Some old men can still think fast.

Genius the dog and the leopard

An elderly Gentleman, goes on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his
faithful, old dog he had named Genius (because he was the smartest dog
Neil had ever know) along for the company.     One day, Genius starts chasing rabbits and before long, he discovers
he's lost his way. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the intention of having lunch.   So Genius thinks, "Oh, ho! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Then noticing some
bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching predator.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly,

"Boy, was that one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more
around here?"  Hearing this, the young leopard halts his approach, a look of terror
comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew! what a close one! That old dog nearly had me!"  A monkey who had been watching the whole thing from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for some
future protection from the leopard. So, off he goes after the leopard.

Only Genius sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
being a very smart experienced old dog, he figures something bad must be
up.   The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.  The young leopard is
furious at being made a fool of and says,

"Here, monkey, hop up on my back and watch what's happens to conniving
canine!   Now, Genius sees the leopard coming toward him with the monkey on his
back and thinks,

"What am I going to do now?",

Thinking fast, Genius, instead of his running, he sits down with his
back to the leopard and his snitch, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
Then just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog acting Like he
is talking to himself says,  "I wonder where's the monkey is? It is been long enough since I sent
him off to bring me another leopard !

Moral of this story...  Don't mess with the old dogs...   Age and Skill will always overcome Youth and Energy!